Runnin the Rat Race!

Monday, March 2, 2009

What am I? Unacceptable!?

I know what I'm suppose to do. I've done it! So when people are telling me this it just makes me made.

If it's me saying that I need to get in shape for my health or to loose weight that's one thing. That is me. but when others say it it just makes me feel like I'm unacceptable to them. Like there is something wrong with me. What? Am I not good enough for you? Are you not happy with me? Do I not fulfill you even though I'm fat?! What!!????

I have done it. I went from 198 to 148! I was almost my high school weight! I know how to do it. I know what to do to get there so leave me alone!!!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Enlightened????

I have been happy lately. Truly happy. I feel my Lord in my everyday life. To be philosophical or to be well versed is a great thing, but lately it has been.....simple. the simplicity of what man has to make complicated. Beauty, Love, Joy, Peace. Mankind has a need to break down each of these to find their "true" meaning. They have to dissect, poke, prod and then find a conclusion to explain why they have meaning and how to make each work properly. Why?

When the truth is it's simple. It's not an algorithm of complex factors. It's pure, it's true and simple. I'm not saying that I'm enlightened per-say. I'm just happy.

All I know is that for some time now I have been troubled. The world and people in it have purposefully hurt me. I have confused myself with my own greed and my own desire to "understand". But now, today, this moment. I know that God made it simple. He just loves me. Why make it any more complicated than that?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Blow the Wistle Ref! I need a time out!

Well it's another day and I feel like yesterday never ended. My Children are in turmoil and it's starting to get to me. I try with them. To reason our situation out, explain why things are the way they are. But they're so angry with me. So upset that I have put them in this situation and it's all my fault.

I am hearting so bad over everything myself and to hear my children say that they hate me for ruining their life. It's horrible.

and lake, oh yest Lake. To have him not returning my calls or getting information to me that I need. Not talking to his children for a month and then not sending money to help and the stress oh the stress!!!!

I receive bills for him, some of them coming out of our taxes and here I am trying to stay afloat and now I'm paying his court fees???!!!

lord, deli ever me! Send me where you will and pull me threw the thickness of mud that I find myself wading through and being pulled under by. Take my hands and pull me through to the safety of firm land!

Monday, January 26, 2009

True Love

As you all know, I have been going through a hard, stressful, and amazing time. And since you all know the details I figured I would go away from telling of the trials that I have been through and concentrate on the miracles.

Lake is talking, really talking. he is defying science to prove to the world that God is all powerful and mighty. So much more than man!

Rufus is in Heaven, for we all know "all dogs go to heaven" :) My children handled it very well also.

All my children are healthy and strong and beautiful inside out.

Since my travels began God has romanced me several times to let me know how much he loves me. He gave me a flock of birds every time I drove. Let them fly in the most beautiful patterns to remind me that he plays a part in everything.

He gave me fog, beautiful fog rising over a mountain of trees.

He road beside me from Roseburg and pointed out everything he made that I usually glance past and never really take in. Rolling hills, animals grazing, beautiful trees.

i find that every day God gives me a gift. A little token of his love in creating the world around me so that I would know I was special and loved by him.

I am not only blessed by my family and children, or by my friends and even I have found "aquaintances" whom have reached out to me through all this. But I am blessed by his pure, true love. A love that he gives to all, yet somehow he is so amazing that he can make me feel like I am the only one. his perfection, his true love.

The Kite Runner!

While this is not a true story, it sure gives the feel of one. I loved it!

Prepare yourself to watch this movie. You will not want to stop and it is very long. However there will be moments you will shudder with empathy for our poor boys and their strife, so be ready to be shocked at times.

So gripping that I couldn't leave the room at all. I watched intently, covering my mouth with a gasp at parts. My heart wrenching so badly at moments that I had to literally grab my chest. And at the end...a tear. One single tear that held in it a thousand tears from a thousand children. Yes I could have balled all night for Hassan.

I would read the book, but I do not think I could take the story again so soon. Perhaps in the future.